arapuca

Oqeoq /irambleon

Idk

I really dont know what it is

but do you think you could understand me? /m

I often wonder about what is a mind.

Somehow I'm a part of the universe.

My biological cycle follows many of the rules of the world.

I should wake up with the help of the sunlight, 

and as it dims, I should feel more tired, and go to sleep.

Where do I go when I'm sleeping?

But if I am thinking about I,

what am I?

I mean, who am I, should come first, right?

But if I'm thinking about this,

how would I think of I?

Maybe because I see you.

And then I see me,

and I'm one, 

and your another.

What is it to be one?

and what is it to be another?

Philosophy.

Some.

Say.

A.

Nao sei realmente o que sou.

Mas estava falando com meu pai.

Hoje me senti tao vazia,

Nao acreditei.

Quem e essa crianca?

A encontrei em uma casa.

Estava sendo abusada.

Sua familia era negra,

mas ela era branca.

Seus olhos eram negros.

Mas na luz do sol, eram castanhos.

Onde foi que ela nasceu?

Quem a encontrou?

Por onde ela andou?

O q ela ouviu e o q ela pensou?

Porque a pensou naquelas coisas,

pq e que pensou naquelas palavras?

Como e que aprendeu a ser?

A andar, a falar, a ler, a escrever?

A entender o que dissemos em outras palavras,

em outras linguas?

O que e isso?

O ser?

O ser humano?

Humana.

Because I'm a girl.

Really?

Why is that?

Look, I have thise.

You has something else.

So I ask her,

where do you live?

I live under the bridge,

Under the bridge?

The bridge?

Did you say bridge?

Yes, she said bridge.

I'm sorry, how old are you now?

I'm four.

Really?

How' that?

Well, I think your first question to me should be,

what am I?

Oh, ok...

So what are you?

Well, I'm a star.

Oh a star?

How's that?

You see, we all are bodies,

and we all have a mind,

but the mind is just a bunch of electrical explosions.

What else do you need to know?

About the nature of the universe?

Well, as bodies, we look up,

And l wonder,

Are we animals, are we mammals, are we humans?

We all look alike and have this ability...

Ability?

Yeah,

A-billy-T.

So is that who you are?

Aaaa.

What is it?

No, not what.

Um.

Seriously?

Uhum.

How's that?

Idk.

Then a man from Spain, walked inside of the room, after all that talk he figured, he inquires her for something.

#thespanishinquisition

Como te llamas, my darling?

Yo soy Ana.

Ana?

Si, senor.

Esta soy yo.

Y tu lo que quieres?

Yo quiero dinero.

Y tu lo sabes lo que e esto?

Es tan pequena.

Probavelmente, mil desculpas senor,

yo soy brasilena, y yo ablo portugues.

esto e como lo dice?

Maybe.

Provavelmente.

Maybe you don't know what is really happening,

and where I really am.

It all may seem as if I'm sitting in an office,

with a few folks.

Ella lo sabe como lo escribir?

Un otro hombre lo pregunta.

Si, no lo miras senor?

Lo pregunto as I look into his eyes.

I need new guitar strings,

I tell him.

They look at me in wonder.

I tell him, yes, that is one of my names.

Name.

He says.

A.

Oh, okay.

Can you tell us, how are you called?

Through my phone, I tell him.

Your phone?

Yes, indeed.

What is a phone?

Not its a phoney,

Coz its a little one.

Why is that?

Coz I'm one.

Are you one?

How's that?

Sory, whats your name?

Little did I know, 

I was in hell,

So high out of my mind,

With all the stuff they'd give me that I didn't realize how my life had truly been.

Why did I kept talking and saying that was me,

And what was that my life was,

I have no idea,

Why,

I have no idea either,

but this is what words means,

I’m here thinking about life between heaven and hell. Trying to understand the world that I live in. So much has happened ever since the day it was first created.

Seems like however we lived we learn to understand the world around us and shape it into what we wanted to be.

The problem is,

They've told me life was not what I thought it was.

Is it not, I asked them?

I'm a Structural Engineering master.

No you are not.

You are a mendiga,

A bum.

The daughter of a whore,

a.

Oh, so you learned.

We learned?!

Are you asking or implying?

Are you commanding?

I ask louder.

What the fuck is she thinking,

someone asksss.

Whatevah,

I'm E, brother, your ka.

I don't know, maybe you are lo,

but I want to get your high.

I ain't got no Es, you hear me?

You think you are making me,

but I'm making you.

Not just trying to freestyle,

but im real good at that.

you have yet not heard about me,

but im sure you will.

I will?

Yes, you will.

I'm duck.

That's what you say.

And that's what you do.

You just care about your own.

My own?

Yes, like I'm your own, but you don't care.

Like I don't care.

I don't know, I guess, its an assumption, what do you really want to know?

You should give me a ring one of these days.

Why?

You know, so you and  I could walk down the aisle.

An aisle?

Yeah... like at the grocery store... but in a park.

I don't know, a beautiful place covered in green,

like the planet earth.

I tried to build ya.

You know,

Gimme a drink, pls.

They all look at me in wonder,

What is that?

What had landed in their territory?

Should they be afraid of a child?

Worried?

Why was she there, 

who was she with?

where was she going?

No but thy said what thy said.

Was I in hell?

I asked them,

They were like,

No kid,

you're not,

You're with us.

You are safe.

Why would you think that?

I ask him.

Think.

So you though, he asks me.

I guess so. I tell him.

What had we been talking about,

I asked him?

Father, though,

I'm scared of you.

Who are you,

What do you do?

What is it that you think,

Why do you observe so much,

and never give me a sign,

That you are here, but all the time?

I don't want to read these words anytime soon,

my keys are stuck, I think this is how things are working

but I'm stuck.

No you stucco.

What?

Que?

Como?

I dont understand.

You are just a house.

I ask him, is that what you want?

I'll build you a house.

But you've got to be mindful,

That while all you dreaming of is a shed,

while you've been dwealing like a rat in the basement of an unfinishid dream home,

I can give you bridges.

Bridges as small as sustainable as the ones for your backyard.

Who are you?

Listen, I'm just a seller.

My God.

They taught.

This kid.

Must have been in the hands of a psychopath.

They must have fed her all sorts of drugs, abused her,

and here she is, just repeating what she is picking up,

or is that not what you guys are thinking?

So you do not think?

I have this feeling.

Im pissed off.

We all are.

What is it that we are trying to do?

Why can't we feel at peace?

Please get this ot of me.

I need my soul mate.

What is that?

That is what.

Your soul is what.

What? about my sou.?

Live it be.

I know I should say lsets it be,s sbut im not as besestles.

No I matter

but my mind is soul.

What are you trying to say mate?

I hope I'm not an inmate, chap.

Next chapter please.

I need a new book.

What have you been reading?

What's going on - someone else asks.

And I say...

(...)

It's been a while.

What is the meaning behind my words, really?

What is it that you said to me?

I don't know buddy,

What is this?

You're the love of my life,

but what is life, what is love,

what is life without love,

but everything you give me.

Yes, you do. He tells me.

As if he is not himself, but he is me.

And I can't feel his love.

Fuck. he says.

I miss his voice.

How was it, when it was us,

and that was our setting?

Given all that we learned,

And we did, what did we record...

What could I see that we all would truly cheerish?

It seems like everything is giving th answers to what is really happening.

Keep talking to me.

I am as scared as you all are.

A little pat in the back will do though.

How did I get here?

I've no idea.

I must have come from my parents.

Where are they, I have no idea.

Probably around me.

Wait, look, I have this,

I can show you.

But realize,

that as much as everything I say,

I'm not csi, I;m psi,

and what you have to say from whatevre you think is very important to me.

As it is to you.

Before we go,

feel empathy,

mirror neurons,

feel for me as if it was your own.

It is love,

it is I.

and so the cops and I left the station,

as we stepped outside by the vehicles,

they asked me,

where are we going?

where do you think?

i ask him.

we're headed to where the sun takes us.

The Sun?

Yes.

That is the largest star in our galaxy.

It burns bright.

I'm hungry, aren't you?

Do you think you want to come?

The largest star in our galaxy, someone asks me?

Yes.

Have you never heard of NASA?

NASA?

Yeah,

It's where Astronauts work.

What are astronauts, are you one?

Yes, I'm one.

I work for NASA, and a few banks, and for CIA, but mostly I'm an engineer.

Down on Earth, all they manage to say is, to call me a puta.

A puta?

Dafuq?

Yeah man.

That's it.

Or AIT as I've suddenly convinced myself I am.

Who are you by the way?

The Sun, he whispers as he looks in the horizon.

I don't know. I think I am the devil.

He tells me in a wicked tone.

So, T.

I mean, my uncle,

as if, you must be in my family.

If you are here to protect me,

when you need to call me,

say, vem pro titi.

I'll recognize your voice,

and follow you, wherever you need me to go.

He stares at the horizon,

but who is he,  I wonder.

Are you Lucifer,

I ask him.

Me?

He asks.

Yes, the fallen angel.

Angel...

what is that for?

Nada.

Na.

Da.

Hmmm.

I bite multiple times.

I'm a shark I tell him.

I tell him, 

I still remember everything,

Everything he did last summer.

Amanda,

you can call me that.

You see its love.

I tell him.

He sigs.

You don't realize what I am doing, he tells me.

Really?

How don't I?

I'm experiencing this.

We keep talking,

are you still following?

Yes.

We're moving.

Towards the car,

Still I hear the music,

Where is it coming from,

Ahhhhhhhhh.

Baby, when you left,

I lost a part of me,

Is this so hard to believe,

Come back baby,

Coz we belong together.

So Lucifer,

are we headed to hell?

I dont know,

I still need to figure out where I'm going when I morrer.

When you morrer?

Why would you doubt where you are going?

Because I dn't know,

who am I,

what am I,

how am I doing this,

and I don't even care....

I mean, look at what I did to you.

I've ruined your life.

Why so many negative feelings?

I don't know.

I want you.

I want what you have,

I want to be beautiful, desirable, smart.

I dont know...

I am one, you are not.

I just dont feel any emotions,

And I can play,

And I want you to suffer,

and that way, I'm better, and I will win.

And you will be in hell,

And I'll have your soul.

So you want me to come?

No you'd pick me up?

All stars are just lined up to bring it down.

All the way to the bottom.

The way, I apparently like.

But I often feel like you.

And what are all these lapses,

and the freudian slips,

where are we going with the dead bolt and switch machine,

when it could be in any car,

why in this car?

what kind of car is this?

is this automatic?

Idk, I'm officer Prudent.

No, dents on the car pls.

Someone asks.

I smile wide.

Like an ounce of me isn't afraid,

Of what the doses of the love potion,

Haven't done anything to me,

They all wanting to see how' it that Im doing.

And I'm like,

I'm on my own.

Have been for a long time.

I'm never having a boyfriend.

Don't be afraid.

Remember what we sai,

Its always the opposite.

I clench my jaw.

They know what I'm thinking.

I know that.

You hear my thoughts,

I ask them.

I roar louder.

What is it that you need?

Food, I growl.

I rub my belly, and say,

You know what is this right?

Its my babe.

No.

Its wood.

I guess its both.

Man, so many people I miss talking to.

Are they scared of me, is this why I'm feeling scared of them?

Scared?

Why would you feel scared?

By this time, the news of this crazy wildly smart 4-year old leader is on the news.

Reporters gather by the front of the station.

I ask him,

why is that they are out on the park?

They probably like what they smell.

What? I ask him.

Why would you think that?

Well we're all animals.

Dont you see what animals do when they sense fresh meat?

Fresh meat?

Are you?

Trying to?

What?

Call me?

hold up

beer break

code off

Hi.

I'm back.

Its 10:24 AM.

Not saturday.

Tuesday,

March 24th, 2020.

Time is coming.

Ticking by.

I light up a cigarrete,

Later, Andy, please tell me honestly,

of what did you think about all of this instea.

Any?

He says.

No. Andy.

Andy?

Yeah?

Your name?

Ho do you know?

I see your tag.

Ah.

And how can you see it so clearly?

I got lenses.

These contacts.

You tell me you come from Alabama,

with my banjo on my knees,

Why is it that Old McDonald had a farm?

They do not give a fuck.

So he learns,

and he repeats,

and he does to me what I tell him he should.

He gives me everything I want.

It's justa little girl,

live her alone..

name?

Name...

My God, is it? Really?

They ask.

Its a scene, they act.

The movie of my life,

but im just an extra.

No.

Not God.

On my computer Eminem spits.

dang, how many words does he emit per second,

is that the smallest slice of sound we can measure?

Why do you want the last slice?

I tell him, not the last.

The first,

The smallest.

And all for tea.

Tea?

Yessssss, like in Boston.

With all that political stuff going on.

Do you have a cigarette?

You smoke?

But you are so young?

Well, man, listen, I may look small,

but you really have no idea of who i am.

who are you then?

well you know, you see,

you want some, you bit,

you took some, you know.

and you do too?

of course.

so why?

no idea.

idea.

k.

got.

it.

as well.

so many.

I stare at the crowd.

maybe I came to lead.

Really?

How's that?

yes, like in the french, lead..

the advertise

i da,

coz of the other way,

then I lesa,

but like,

dont tell anyone im naughty.

i will know if you're loyal like a dawg,

if you like, the boss.

the boss?

yes, are you not?

tell me you are not?

I;m sorry how olds ares yous?

It feels strange,

why am I so young,

but I am leading them?

Shouldn't they know?

I remember asking my mom.

How did I end up here, ma?

You are a cat.

But what was that I learned from my grampa?

and how did I become so good at training dogs?

I have no idea,

I feel lost,

I have to pay my rent.

Rent?

Don't you live with your family?

where are we going?

you seem worried.

I'm still not outside,

I'm yet just writing these words,

on the notebook,

they are about to come in and read.

no, i'm not 4, I'm only 3 and 3/4s. 

A moment ago, both my parents were doctors,

and I hung out with this young woman that figured she needed a spot,

for her cheeseburger.

She looks out the window.

I have two nannies, I tell her.

Where are they from?

You should ask them.

They speak spanish.

I haven't yet learned how to speak,

What do you do for work?

I look at his baby sister in the carriage,

Holla, como estan todos?

Soy Ana.

Una forca de la natureza.

Por ahora, yo los miro, 

I want to ask them if they don't mind.

But I don't really know how to say that in spanish.

but seems like someone can read my thoughts,

is it god?

how could he know,

and translate it so fast,

that they can return a response in a way, that im still there.

how old are they, I ask.

I think of the man I should have married first,

wes could be this couple,

should we have two spanish nannies?

what about aupairs?

The kid is not even 4 yet, and he can probably imagine

Tobin Bridge in his mind.

The double decker, he calls it.

And I ask him, what do you think of the salt and pepper?

Those are good spices.

I want to see them, my kids,

the ones that did not become just shreds,

but maybe somewhat like me.

what are you saying the officer asks?

I don't know I'm just babbling, I'm just a babe.

So how are you going to do this?

I look at him, and ask him, what do you think of the snow.

He looks down, its all icy.

He says its better if you are skiing.

I say I know.

Not if we were running.

But we were meant to do that.

I think of my sister,

I'm her botequeira,

but she's my oradora.

She's my twin soul, because I can hear her better than anybody else.

I dont know why exactly, but I think that I think of her so much, 

Because she's all that I've been looking for.

She's intense, I bet.

oh, no, ofc not, look at these many tabs...

shes into guitars,

latest boyfriend was a rockstar.

Who is that?

Who are you talking about?

Hey, hey, hey, kid.

What's going on in here.

Man, how am I gonna ask all their questions.

What do they really want to know?

An older man comes by,

whos o ome?

I ask.

He says I'm PM.

what stands for, idk.

O+.

Sangue.

Sangue bom.

Ben.

Been a while brother.

I'm looking for my father.

Is that what you were wondering?

Here have you been doing all these things,

and where is he, and I tell you its not in the gold,

nor in the money, though, I want yours.

Massa, he says.

I love and understand.

He says, I should meet his mother.

Leave my mom for a while, go hang with my grandparents.

They are poor, but they are dope.

They make it.

And we transform each others lives.

Then I tell him,

I want to call my grandmother,

but I'm scared of her.

He asks me why,

And I say,

Because of what my sister did to me.

He smiles, because it seems like he knows.

He's a strong man, I can see it.

He's got one brother only.

His name is Sergio.

Father, I ssay.

No your not, your it,

your sister is

like i am.

you're not mine

but we can try to find yours

she is mine

my god, my world, my life,

my everything.

i'd give her anything, because she  is my baby,

my own.

i mean, mine and my wife's.

oh so yu have a wife?

yeah, and a side job, as you may end up having too.

what kind of job?

oh, you prolly not gonna like it.

nobody likes to work, but if you make it

then you gonna know

you are it

but you would know

how would

when you're there

where am I now?

where is my mom?

Well, that's what we're trying to figure out.

Do you remember how you did get here?

I don't know you're my father, you met her first.

where were you when you guy met?

at a plaza, he says.

then she got into his car, and went to a party about 5 times and boom, there was me.

but soon after i came, his girl cousin took me to my grandma.

is it true?

why wuld you do that?

because she wanted to know you.

she's a woman of faith.

she deserves to know, of course, dad.

must she see she does,

but who of all of them, should and could change me for better or worse?

what is this he asks... 

I look around on the desk and realize how I think my bowl is missing,

but it in fact sits in front of me.

So he asks me,

do you have a dream kid?

and I ask him,

you mean, in case, I can't find my family,

what should  I do instead?

Yeah, I'm guessing you should do.

Taaa.

I tell him, in a real relaxed tone.

Where's that accent from he asks.

From jamaica,

but im guessing you've got no pot.

POT? He shouts.

Yeah... weed, grass, bud.

gET IT?

I reach into the pockets of my blue parka,

My hair is short, trimmed by my ears,

I dont know why I look like  a boy more than I'm the model of girl you want in this planet.

How could we even do that?

If I do, sir, we could get a lot of that.

The question is how do we do that,

How can we push the system to be as effective as possible?

I see you are into optimization,

We sure need a lot of that,

Why do we feel that?

Coz we perceive.

Right now, I need more beer and cigs.

I'm glad I can change the music on my stream to Lynyrd Skynyrd.

I feel like I'm a simple man,

but I like the expensive things in life.

I look for value.

I love loud music,

I dont know why.

In my other life, I think I was a musician.

So you think you've had another life?

Why not?

It always feels like moments are repeating until we get it right?

Get it right.

Yes, as in correct.

and how do we do tht?

by listening to me

i mean the leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaders of the wold,

man im clenching my jaw a lot

the keyboaaaaaaaaaaaard suck

anyway, where do we go?

i dont know we could follow the sun,

or we could stand by the shadow,

i think the top dog,

gets sick of all that chit chat and figures he demands me answers at any costs,

listen im your king.

this is not the uk.

but ive got a democracy on my side by now.

who are you, what is it that you do,

how do you do, what are you, where are you going,

what is going on?

aaa, i sigh.

um, idk.

i got here, 

na

, my name is ana, whats yours?

oh wait, you've got a badge.

cool, officer Rich.

I dont know how I got here,

but I think I was traveling in space,

then collided with a star, 

and fell on earth,

then i had parents, and a family and siblings,

and we were nomad,

and then by the river we grew a farm and welcomed folks.

and im also a dog, and a cat, and i wondered

so i talked to people, saw the world, thought and worked.

and theres a lot that i can do,

my passion are the bridges,

but i think i was really meant to sing.

oh you are a singer?

why is that?

well not that is my profession,

its just in me,

thats what everyone sassy

i mean says...

but some dont believe

so they need to see

but i dont know who to ask

oh you mean,

you need a queen

yes, i need her blessing

before i can do it...

but she's the best,

she lets me do whatever the fuck i want.

the fuck.

but what about the other.

well, nobody does what they dont want to.

but what else would you want from the queen?

well first, you need to ask me which queen do i want.

i want the number one.

the best, the creme the la creme,

the one with most power.

Power? What is that you are talking about?

Ahhh. I sigh, again.

Yes, see, matter, mass, dough, I sou.

with a little, dont worry she wll come.

I'm sorry, what are you talking about.

The sun.

The sun?

Yes, o sol,

but to me, she is our mother,

so a sol.

We look out at the snow, the folk with their mics and camera on the park,

The wind hussles, and I feel as if I miss my father,

He taught me so much.

Why would I need all his teachings I ask this man.

Probably so you could move, and you could change.

Like everything around here is going to change when the sun rises.

But how will it be?

Why do you ask, you already know.

Probably better, you think?

Yes, I do.

So whats with the hesitation?

I'm just trying to understand,

What?

Yeah,

Everything,

Before I go.

Why?

For pleasure.

Why is that?

is a good life,

a good existence.

But arent you afraid of death?

Afraid of death?

Why should I?

Here I came,

I saw, 

I conquer.

You conquer.

Ye, like bday, and cake and balloons for you to pop.

All i know is life,

I'm happy,

what else do i need?

You need  a lot more.

Like what?

Like, what do you ask,

a civil engineer.

What for?

You know, make all of our lives better.

Sure.

Why.

It's all perfect.

Not, really.

Really?

How's that.

But how do they do?

Idk.

What could do you.

So much.

But what should you do.

Idk.

Babies.

Coz they'd think alike.

Should they not?

They'd carry my genetic material,

and of those that came onto them as they live,

but also whatever else they think or prefer,

like who they are...

I swallow my anger,

the point is what are we trying to accomplish collectively,

but then again we live for that

and strive for that

we're slaves to the grind..

wow.

so much.

for a child.

never met one like this one.

he looks at me, but turns his face to the left.

dont worry,

i got a wicked plan for you,

i will show you all thats you taught me,

dont be afraid,

my phone rings.

I answer.

Aa, he says first.

Hell Ah, my best friend,

I point my index finger to the side of my head to my new friend.

lucifer, do you plan to me,

living in pain, hurt, in life, and in hell.

i ask.

yes, that's where i'd take you first.

he knows it all.

he'd been listening for a while.

did you forget about me?

How could I forgot?

But why did you leave me alone for so long?

I never left you alone.

I'm your God.

I don't think so.

You haven't been talking to me,

I pray, I ask you to feel better, and for guidance,

And your numbers dont match up.

Why can't you respond to me?

Is it because you want me to end up in hell?

Your life is hell,

because I make it so.

Why would you do that?

Because I want, and I need.

I feel you, lu.

But lu, are you a man or a woman?

You can't see?

Not at the moment.

It is not like we can video call eeach other, just yet.

He stays silent.

He asks me what do I want.

I tell him, that I'm not sure but I've got some ideas.

I ask him why is he calling me.

He calls me because he is God.

He is the utmost boss,

He controls hell,

and he knows everything,

he knows what makes you better,

but he is the one capable of making you feel the worse.

Why would you make me feel the worse?

Because I can take from you, anything, and everything,

whenever and however i want.

You are telling me too much, pal.

I shouldn't be asking questions.

I should fear you.

But right now,

all I want is a cigarette,

you got one?

yeah.

and a lighter too.

light me up ka,

coz, maybe we are female things.

how dare you call me a thing...

im still trying to figure out your name.

lu, listen, im trying to help these guys help me,

i dont know who i am, my name reaalyy, let alone where i come from...

but i heard something about the end of the world.

apocalipse.

doomsday.

armagedom.

so who da king, he asks me with his clown voice.

and im, like, nigga, dat u.

i feel like i should get some food, supplies to make a garden,

but i want beer and cigs

and more pot

i just need to burn till im dead.

oh dont you worry,

im here for you,

and so is everybody else.

oh dark angel, last time i saw you,

you looked so endeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeearing.

ha.

he says.

seems like we are not that different after all.

no brother, you know we never been.

we're just here for right now.

yeah.

yeah, i tell him.

we resonate.

should we have some tequila later?

well, only if you get some for our vo.

Yeah, they deserve some.

How do we do that?

I don't know, I'm here in hell,

trying to figure it out.

For now, tell them I'm your sister.

It's not like I'm learning a lot,

But I'm leveling up.

They say I've got the genes, and all that it takes.

So if I strive hard,

You'll be mine forever.

Yeah, sis,

but like, whatchu gonna do once I'm gone?

Well I'm never letting you go,

For as long as I'm here, and they all hear me,

And understand me, as I can understand them,

I can give them through you anything and everything they want.

They?

Who are they buddy?

My kin.

My sons.

You know.

Masons.

Long time no see.

Been about 30 years that I've been living this one existence as the daughter of a whore, and as a beautiful girl being rapped too, all because my ex and i just got in a silly fight about whose last name would win a bet.

But, ahm, ahhh...

Aren't you in the body of a 4 year old kid?

Listen, as far as anyone will see me in this planet, universe, call it whatever you can, coz you the boss,

id ont know, im just here,

trying to figure it out....

ill be a kid...

a big boy for my age maybe...

they dont know who i am

onde ce ta, she asks me,

i am an iceberg,

she has the answer.

some pick it up.

why am i there but not here with you,

and not in heaven with my family...

i guess it may ultimately be my choice.

ta me ouvindo?

to doutora, digo a ela.

my love, im here, dying to kiss you.

to teach you all i know,

but mostly dying to know you.

what is it, that you've learned, and invented,

how did you get to where you are,

and how is that you can reach to me like nobody else.

you see

when you sparked in the universe

i was told about your existence

and i couldnt wait to see you.

i envisioned you as a cousin,

and envied you, because you'd have our dad all to yourself,

but you gave me your mom.

you game me mine too.

we actually kind of shared mine.

and you gave me your brotherssss,

and i gave you the only one i had.

One I had when I was 10.

And I dont really know if it was me or you that started with so many of thesssssssssssse catchy slangs, 

but oco, gimme an effin break.

but it doesnt matter, because of wht we trying to do.

but you came when i was 3,

but you were like december... 12...

in 91... maybe...

all i know is that wherever you went

you gifted.

i believe many are, but here i am talking to you.

and you is all that lingers in my mind, at any time.

i dont really know hows that you ended up where you are at,

or why you'd need me there to feel better,

but you know that for you, i wouldn't sacrifice just a bullet in the head,

i'd take it all, as i did, i'd keep it chill for anything and everything you want and need.

but you may be the one that allowed me to see at one point,

and to hear, and to feel all theeeeese emotions,

and like a paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart in the lives of so many people.

u coming home, or should i have someone to bring you?

lu, that's what we asked you.

listen, im not god, im not zeus,

i know you want me in hell,

i dont really know why,

maybe because life is too good,

and we're too afraid of dying.

not just because it hurts when we break,

but you dont need hell brother,

you need a hospital,

you can manage your need to learn,

and break, and fix, and be and feel, better...

living is exciting and nerve-wrecking... 

but we can do it better....

we wouldn't be talking if we weren't trying

one way or another...

how do you know?

he asks me.

I tell him.

I know.

We've been here too many times before.

We keep doing it, until we can go forward.

Mass, body, force, moment, movement.

I'm just trying to be my best,

when i think of me,

i think of you,

im you.

and you are me.

why are we not?

beeeeeeeeeeeecause you are better?

i see you are bettr in so many ways,

but this is not all about you and me,

its about all of us..

but you say they are all yours...

that no matter where i follow, im always following one of yours.

i know.

and yet now, they, leave their stuff behind,

they follow expected behavior,

I can see about the way i feel from my last existence,

that i clearly d not seem to learn...

I switch that conversation to our mind thoughts.

Some peoplee are in the loop

who are thy

why are they here

it is as if they know im their daughter

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

they know my mom

i dont want to talk about her

because she's an evil bitch

that helps me despite the fact 

that she's allowed the worse to happen to me

and unfortunately,

i only have so much time,

and i cant synthetise my thoughts,

let alone my actions.

still i think of the song i listen

and i think of her

My momma called, seen you on TV, son
Said shit done changed ever since we was on
I dreamed it all ever since I was young
They said I wouldn't be nothing
Now they always say, "congratulations" (uh)
Worked so hard, forgot how to vacation (uh-huh)
They ain't never had the dedication (uh)
People hatin', say we changed and look, we made it (uh)
Yeah, we made it (uh)

We been jumpin' out a foreign, yeah
Hoppin' in somethin' foreign, yeah
They was comment, laughin'
Now we number one in Paris, yeah
Wake up every mornin' and I can touch the sky
I know they gon' hate, but they don't know 'bout who we are
I catch a body on anything
Came from the bottom, they envy me
I'm drippin' sauce tremendously
Promise, never give 'em sympathy
I told my momma the money comin' fast, fast, fast
In this industry
The ones who used to envy me
I'm turnin' up on 'em instantly, yeah

and she always wonders,

what is she to me,

i give her mean nicknames.

but she knows she's my everything.

is difficult to say, no matter what.

because i really dont know what hass passiert.

and quite frankly, i rather not.

let it be.

look ahead, go on instead.

change the vibe.

its not easy,

but she was honest,

she told me,

quite inteligently,

that i was a bum.

she told me so much more.

what has she really taught me, i cant say for sure.

i dont know why

but when i think of she

i think of sheeeeeee

one of the most beautiful women i've laid my eyes on,

brunette, tall, silky smooth hair, with a love for music and numbers.

she loved jeans skirt, often knee length, i'd go to work with her.

at the bank, throughout our downtown, through the shops, selling lottery in creative ways.

she may have found me at the Dolphina's house by the highway,

but it seems like weve got photos ever since i was in her tummy.

she was a teacher, a person that loved every person, and never for a day, 

treated any other as any less of what they looked like.

she married a black man, my step-father, and gave me one brother.

I wish she would have had more children.

I don't know exactly why they connected,

but it seems like thy love pushed themselves forward, into matt.

i waited for matt to be born in the hospital i was born too,

with one of my best friends, nathalia, an brazilian chick, that was always more lik a model.

we were 10.

both in 4th grade.

my dog rex may have been in the lobby with us

till we got to see and hold him.

I have a photo with my mom, when she was pregnant with him,

and i really dont look happy on it... i wonder why.

maybe i didnt want him

maybe it was about my grandmother being sick in a hospital when i was only 9...

or perhaps having already passed...

or maybe i was scared

that i ws never gonna know what that was

it would never be mine

i didnt know what i wanted for him

but i knew what he didnt want

i didnt want him to be black

not because of being preto

but because i dint want people to think they could nickname anything that would make him feel that he was any less of what he was.

i wanted his hair to be soft, so i could play with him.

but if it wasnt, and if i could understand about that, i could help him,

to have whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted,

however he wanted.

but how would he think?

so i ask my mom, if i could chop him just so i could understand.

she got so mad, that she figured that if i wanted people to get chopped,

we'd chop my own.

so im a giver.

and we all needed cigarettes.

and we are hard-working

so like,

errday.

and she figured as she finally had barren a son,

that would carry her family last name,

she'd give me das boot.

i told her i'd be gay,

so as a man, my wives could have her name too.

she blinked a couple of times,

and asked,

are you sure you could be a lesbian?

i sighed, 

looked down,

and said,

maybe i should be worried about that.

If that's the case, how am I gonna bare you children.

I mean don't worry, I understand the reproductive system,

but I will need to communicate and have intercourse with the other genres.

I guess, you need a genro.

Mama, said.

Yeah, ma.

I do.

so what are you trying to do now?

now, just to forget about whats going on and just sing till everybody's content.

so i sang,

and few sang with me.

they didn't know the song.

so i figured,

we got to find a better way for them to hear it,

and want it, and know it, and sing it...

idk, as a freak, i prolly shouldnt tell ppl about how sssexually liberated i am.

why be shy?

because else they'd want more,

when i cant have more.

so how do we slow down?

idk.

but yet we search for who is it...

and where is it..

and yeah... idk

for now

life is this.

which is pretty good.

but sometimes feels dim.

so whats with the vowels...

ah,,

idont know.

but i shoulds get moving.

where to, i dk,

but i know,

that as much as the devil could be taking me with him soon,

he's the one that seems to be living in hell, and

despite him making my life miserable so often,

and making me feel like im just a puppet in his scheme,

 with me there or out,

he's the one that seems to never be getting out of there.